Published inSlackjaw·Apr 11, 2022Member-onlyQuotes Albert Einstein Would Make If He Had To Go Back To Working in the Office“Stop making me work on the theory of relativity from the office, Carol.” — “Two things are infinite: the universe and corporate stupidity for wanting us to go back to the office; and I’m not sure about the universe.” “A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids cubicle life.” “If you can’t explain it to a six-year-old that going back to the…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published inGreener Pastures Magazine·Oct 6, 2020Member-onlyCereal Slogans for Stressed Out Social Distance StudentsSnap, crackle, pop quiz! — Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published inSlackjaw·Sep 6, 2020Member-only7 Millennial Dance Moves To Dominate Gen Z Kids On TikTokYou should applaud yourself for dancing in the face of economic adversity. — If trending on TikTok seems too good to be true for us Millennials, just know it probably is. But fear not, fellow Gen Y-ers: These nostalgic dance moves will help you bring it back in style and overtake those pimply-faced, trending-for-their-own-good 12-year-olds! Here we go! Let’s crush those Zoomers with…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published inDishonourable Unmentionables·Jun 11, 2020Member-onlySocial Distancing Rules for Little League BaseballGood news! After arduously negotiating for a few minutes with executives in the field of selling used cars and butchering, we’ve decided that Little League Baseball will finally reopen! …Satire3 min readSatire3 min read
Published inThe Haven·May 16, 2020Member-onlyI hope this sales email finds you well, you sexy beastIf you sign-up now, you can have full access to my emotional well-being — Hi there, it’s Dave from Dried Goods. You may not have noticed, but when you turned in that sales questionnaire at the marketing conference some days ago, your hand grazed my package. The rush of energy I felt from the sudden flick of your finger as it stroked my package…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published inThe Haven·May 10, 2020Member-onlyEmail signature tips bound to get the hiring manager’s attentionThese borderline legal tips…will surely make you stand out among other deadbeat candidates — Are you a desperate, unemployed loser still living in your parent’s basement? Consider sprucing up your email signature with these borderline legal tips that may or may not land you in jail but will surely make you stand out among other deadbeat candidates. Sign your name as a famous person Your common name means nothing. It’s garbage…Satire3 min readSatire3 min read
Jan 23, 2020Sleep-deprived in BonnI finally made it. After at least 24 hours of flying from Missouri to Germany and moving from plane seat to train seat, with no sleep in between, I arrived in the very early hours to Germany’s former capital, Bonn, where I would begin a new career as a journalist…Memoir4 min readMemoir4 min read
Jan 21, 2020Member-onlyA case of mistaken identity: The babies’ edition (still just a draft)My twin brother, now named Tyler, was once named Adam.I was once named Blake. But before then, I’ve been told, we were called baby A and baby B, namely because the many people who cared for us couldn’t tell us apart, even though we were just fraternal twins. But when…Memoir4 min readMemoir4 min read
Jan 21, 2020Member-onlyCoincidence or fate? You decideIt was the 4th quarter of the last high school football game I would ever play. My team — the Orchard Farm Eagles — was getting our ass kicked by some team that I can’t recall. They were better than us, much better, faster, more organized. The head coach, I…Memoir3 min readMemoir3 min read
Jan 21, 2020Member-onlyA case of mistaken identity: The runners’ editionI’ve always been a runner. I would run from one point to the next, usually as fast as I could, taking in the sights as the trees whipped past me and as I whipped past the other kids. For awhile, from elementary to middle school and even in high school…Memoir3 min readMemoir3 min read
